28 April 2012

Email from the heart...and hardon.

I received this from an online 'cyber fuck' earlier this week...besides giving me a killer boner, I was left stunned yet deeply appreciative in many, many ways.

Explanation for Posting your name.....
leatherXXXXXX@aol.com to me
02:06 (16 minutes ago)

...on my new Xtube profile: Without gaining copyright from you. My apology and explanation:

I stayed up all night edging while I composed the profile (my laptop keyboard is an oily mess). I realize now that I have remembered to inform you that I should have asked your permission to do this before posting anything about you. Please forgive me. I was in a sexual haze and although I've felt abandoned by you, you, your influence, are with me all the time, Again I ask you to excuse my transgression. It was thoughtless. I realize that while your essence is always in my head that I have felt cut off and in that isolation I guess I imagined that I was cast away upon the surge so there was no  connection to you any more. But now I, as an after thought in my mistaken feeling, I send you this message in a bottle upon the waves. Please know I do my best to honor you.

My profile name on xtube is %#@#4wldtop.

-----Original Message-----

From: LeatherXXXXXX <LeatherXXXXXX@aol.com>
To: alphatop7 <alphatop7@gmail.com>
Sent: Sun, Jan 1, 2012 1:10 pm
Subject: Sundries

You're 5'10", Just found it on the X-tube profile. Also verified you're partnered. I knew I'd seen it somewhere.

Thought I was going to sleep then didn't. I hope I didn't seem to lame when I responded to your offer to answer questions. I was falling asleep, but like a little kid not wanting to let go.

Read the document on masturbation, very fundamental stuff which I've forgotten. I mentioned ED before and I realize that a big part of the problem has been having given whacking-off a back seat my entire life, except when I was young and then only because it forced itself into the front seat, but only until I came and then I put it away in shame. Later, in an effort to cast off all that guilt and repression I tried to do it without guilt and repression, but it was still pretty ingrained. Then, as I mentioned elsewhere, I entered a period of being pretty constantly partnered for 20 plus years and thought of masturbation, except what one did together as lame and immature. Which is why I haven't turned back to it much sense the partners took a powder (thank God, they're gone)...Anyway, no wonder I've developed problems keeping it up.

I went through a lot of crap with my siblings while I cared for my parents full-time a few years back. Then there was trouble when my dad died over our mother. They all treated me like I'm nothing because I'm gay; no one did more for our mother than I did. That little background to explain how I just never had an erection for quite a long time, except occasionally at night, but the minute consciousness and the accompanying anxiety even began to return it would disappear.

I mentioned beginning to bounce back in my life from all that past crap. The past few weeks,well, come to think of it since we met, I have a huge erection every night and it doesn't go away right away. So some kind of renewal has begun. Now reading this article makes me think of the pains I used to take when doing it, all stuff I just put down in my mind at some time. Then there was the shower episode recently I wrote you about. And mostly your whole attitude about it through the blog, and reading that IM where you gave your criteria for the blog and that is that your cock stay hard while you put it together. One question I wanted to ask was what kinds of things do you do when you're marathon edging. I did ask how your partner reacted to it. I'm getting the idea that it's blog creation time and if your partner isn't himself involved in the process a lot (training those boys to suck!) then he just knows his daddy's working hard in the office. Am I guessing right?

Then there's the way you talk about how much love and pride you have for your cock, how you express love to it. And I got a sense of that relationship in the pissing vid when you were giving it affectionate whacks at the end. I believe that the answer to any lag in my sexual desire is less because of age and more because of neglect and abuse. They call it self-abuse, but the abuse is denying it. I'm going to just start taking time with it. That taking 5 minutes to meditate on your cock was feel-good. I think that's a good start for this healing process. I know I love every presentation featuring your CK briefs. Do you where a cock ring all the time?

I just got my answer to what kind of lover you are. Finally watching your vids completely. So much has been going on, it's been like drowning in awakening. Figuring out the blog, getting lost for awhile in all those crazy links, then starting to converse with you, the flood coming out of me, you directing me to things and I'm too befuddled to even know where to look so you embed them right in the e-mail for me, right in my face, the ripped ck's, the fj's, Talk about a new standard in hand-holding. I'm finally looking closer at the xtube profile. Again, getting distracted by the extraneous stuff, I dunno. I think subconsciously I kind of put off the best stuff till last, or I'm saving it or sumpin. But I see what kind of lover you are,Sir. And you have a beautiful thing going on in your life.

I still don't understand your saying you haven't had any sexual contact for a couple of years...just doesn't fit with what's showing and if that's out-dated, then it doesn't fit with who you show yourself to be, unless there's something else...

I expect I'm gonna get into trouble somehow with all these ramblings, you're going to teach me something about proper respect and protocol. Just help me learn, please.

Some of the video quality is so rough and scratchy  and shot in such dark light. At first it's frustrating, I feel half-blind, but then it makes me observe more closely, draws me in. It becomes atmospheric and very absorbing. You are so beautiful, Sir, just a beautiful alpha-top man. Superb. In Cocksucker training 3 I can see the love you have for your bottom the way you cradle his head and the way you look at him. It makes me love you. I love you, man. I want you. I'm here naked in my bed and I haven't touched my dick at all and I'm getting hard, not just watching you on the vids, but what it makes me think about you. It makes me think about how I can ever have what you've got...no, I mean, if I could redeem myself into being a top in addition to a proud bottom, I would. The connection opportunity is the point to me, and that's the problem. The point needs to just fuck ass, and dominate bottom. I'd like my potency to rebound that much, but if it did I wouldn't be controlled by it the way I was when I was younger. But I want to be loved by a man like you. I want to have pride and love for my dick the way you do for your cock. I want to learn that from you and bring it back where it belongs. But I want to have the BALLS to be an out-and-out proud bottom who services worthy tops. I would love to have cocksucker training from you and any other training you want to give me. My dick is getting harder and I'm not even touching it.

You know I've never liked calling my cock a "dick" until you, and now it just fits in relationship to  you. Like the lower case 'b' in Butch. I have this surgeon friend in NYC, an awesome top it's been many years since I've been with him, but we talk every week. And he wanted to call me $%#@#$ and I wouldn't let him because I was thinking "$%#@#$" like they talk about the tough, manly top kind of me, like you, but I didn't like it from this guy even though it's a nickname my mother gave me. But YOU made me realize my mother gave me the name "$%#@#$" lower case. And I love that name now. I'd like to be known by that name.

You're gonna get sick of me saying this, but I've started and I know that we haven't known each other very long, but I see so much in you, I can't help it. I love you, Sir. I hope that doesn't turn you off. I'm not trying to make claim with those words. It's just a pure expression of respect, admiration working its way to adoration and maybe even worship. It's building, just like my cock is getting harder when I tell you that I love you.

Do you know what my xtube login is that I've had for a couple of years: %#@#4wldtop.

My cock is getting harder and harder. I'm only reaching down to touch it without even looking at it to check how it's coming along. It's coming along. This is my new life. 

You are my idol. When you use that fleshjack? It's like you're directing a symphony. And even though you don't really need to use two hands and when you do use two hands you can't see your cock as well, you still do it. you like the solid feeling, but it also seems to you that not only are you fucking that thing with your superb piece of meat, you also feel like your cock is as long and thick as that fleshjack.

Another lame mistake. I've never really been a bulge man. I mean it's nice as the total package, and it's something I notice first, but I didn't really appreciate it until now. You have combined all the most masculine elements in your bulge focus. The white briefs, your hand groping your own bulge. I love it when you put your cock right up next to the cam so I can see the texture of the skin and the veins.

I'm having talks with my cock. I tell him how much I love him. I thank him over the years for all the pleasure and for the men he's attracted to me. I apologize for neglecting him and not appreciating him, even putting him down. And he is responding.

Sir, you did this. You gave me the standing to put the voices of social and religious authority in their place. I'm not decrying their positions...for others. Not for me. I am a carnal man. Iike my man, Sir.

Did I here you say you gave yourself a Prince Albert? I've wondered about that. I'd like my nips pierced. And I'd like it done in a ritual while I'm getting fucked. Logistically it probably can't happen. How about get fucked to put me at ease and then do it?

It is so hilarious. I'm cruising on Manhunt and I'm coming on to these guys the way I think you would! I even call them "mate". Can you believe I'm doing this hero-worship emulation thing? I just watched the pissing video again. I'm just lying here naked in bed listening to reggae and playing with my cock which is doing very nicely, enjoying just me taking time and care with it. Just lying here browsing through all your stuff and waiting for you to get home to work up that load and DROP IT. You deserve it. You've waited and worked for it. You want it. I want it for you. I want it to be gooooood for you, mah.

(I digitized some old snapshots so you could see what kind of boy I was a long time ago.
Funny, huh?)

Hey, I've been up all night, dozing off and on, just letting myself be sexual with all your stuff. Got the xtube profile overviewed. But I'll be looking at it a lot more. Every day. It's the closest thing I get to being with you, Sir. I'm going to own all that stuff. I'll know every frame. And then I'm going to be begging you for more. LIke that piss video. Damn. How would it be? This is how it is. I've just discovered that I'd love to be showered by the right man, just like I'm picky about whose cock I suck, but if I get a chance at what I want..." Forget about it.

I'm gonna take off to SLC for the afternoon and evening. Day off tomorrow. Maybe I'll find some sex. Could happen. Especially with your aura on me. Wish you'd come on before I left...was waiting for you, Sir. That's what us good bottoms do. We wait on our Top. Waiting on the Lord... Crazy that I'd say this, but I feel it even if it's an illusion...I love you, Sir. You have your way with me if you want it. My New York surgeon comes in second, I have to say...There is more close to my heart and cock that I think you will do for me even half a world away. So...

Your #$%#$@. 

Thank you mate...
 (you know who you are)

No comments: